Nervous

This week's usual chemo day started off slightly different than usual.  For the first time EVER, Logan was dead-silent on the car ride to the hospital.  If you know Logan, you know that silent is never a word we use to describe him.  Knowing that something was off I asked him what was wrong.  He said "I'm nervous".  This caught me off guard, as Logan has never verbally expressed emotions about what he is going through, other than the occasional "I don't want to".  When asked what he was nervous about he responded "I'm nervous to get my big band-aid (Port access)."  This was a harsh reminder that this child, who on the outside handles it all with bravery and strength, is in fact feeling the emotional pain of it all. While I don't like to see him in physical pain (port accesses and chemo sickness), I know that this is temporary and will go away.  It's the emotional pain, that I now know Logan is dealing with, that all but destroys my heart.

The good news is, after talking with the doctors, there may be an end in sight.  Logan has one more treatment before his next MRI, and depending on the results, that could be our last treatment, at least for now.  If his MRI is stable, we will likely stop chemo and continue to monitor his tumors.  Should they grow back, he will have to start up again.  While that is very likely to happen, we don't know for sure if it will actually happen or how quickly.  It could be 3 months, 3 years or not at all.  This would be a great relief and much needed break for him. He would still have to go in once a month to get his port flushed, but it would be a major relief off the usual schedule and no sickness to worry about.  Of course what I would worry about is the tumors growing back and I'm sure that first MRI after stopping will be one of the hardest to wait for.  

The chemo session itself wasn't as routine either this week.  Typically Logan doesn't get sick till the last 30 minutes or so of his infusion.  This session he had some anticipatory nausea and he started heaving upon arrival in our pod and getting his pre-meds.  Thankfully, he fell asleep instantly and slept through the whole 3 hour infusion.  He even slept through the nurse de-accessing his port.  He woke up long enough to get to the car and fell asleep again for the ride home.  Got out of the car and fell asleep again on the couch.  Woke up to get Parker from the bus stop, and fell asleep again on the couch.  This is the most knocked out he has been after an infusion.  I'm certainly glad he got the extra rest though.

Another reason for his extra tiredness could be his nighttime waking, although it usually doesn't effect him.  Logan has a habit of waking up in the middle of the night and roaming around the house.  This is a BAD idea for a child who is known to get into things that he should stay far away from.  He used to be really clumsy about it so I would hear him trying to leave his room and wake up.  He has gotten much better at staying quiet and it very stealthy about it so other measures had to be taken.  Logan's door is now equipped with an alarm that sounds right next to my bed when opened.  While I don't enjoy being woken by an alarm in the middle of the night, it's better than the alternatives (i.e. Logan having unsupervised rein of the house.)